Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
