I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
