I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
