Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
