Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
