no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
