I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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