There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
