I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
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