Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
