hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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