It's like a parade of train wrecks.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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