I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
