I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
