I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
