At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
