im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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