My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
