broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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