Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
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