I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
