What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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