I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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