he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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