Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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