last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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