oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
