My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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