Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
