I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
