I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
