I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
