You really coming over, don't trick.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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