i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
