Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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