I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
