if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
