I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the condom got lost in my hair
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
