i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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