do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She just used a chaser for red wine.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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