Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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