Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
