is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So vagazzling was a success
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
