Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
cat food counts as protein by the way
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
