I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
