I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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