i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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