I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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