Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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