3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
